Red Riding Hood is away tonight, driving out of town to get some good food that we don’t have around here. A couple of girl friends went with her, which is really good. I’m glad she’s taking time to do her own thing. But we still don’t have the ever-pressing answer: Does she want to stay married, or does she want to leave? This may be crossing some private line, which is funny because I’ve hidden nearly nothing from this little blog so far. The following is what we have been saying to each other, word for word. Hello openness.
>>>>I’ve been trying to make it work.
I appreciate you trying to make it work. I just don’t think it is what you really want. If you were set on staying you would be doing everything in your power to make it happen. Until I see something like that I will continue to operate under the assumption that you are more prepared to leave than you are to stay.
I don’t know what to do.
Go prove to me that you’re worth fighting for, that I’m not going to loose you in a few months because you didn’t deal with your shit. Then I will be a total sellout for you, and be prepared for me to slowly but surely work on my shit. Or come get your things and we will make the arrangements for divorce. It’s just a decision. I think you’ve already made it, which is why I’m distant.
How can I prove it to you?
Be faithful to me. Stop shrugging the whole “I have feelings for another guy” thing off. Stop blaming me for all your unhappiness and fix what you need to for a happy life. Meet me where I’m at and stop waiting for me to be the one to get on your level. Bend over backwards for me like you know I have for you. Stop viewing sex as this taboo thing and use it as a type of communication. Listen to me when I tell you things you don’t want to hear since I would be worthless as a friend if I told you what you want to hear. Find a woman who can mentor you, counsel you, and provide some outside-reason into your life. Encourage me in a real way, no flattery and BS. Spend time with me in MY element, like I’ve tried to be in yours. Stop feeding off of everyone’s opinion of you and learn to do things that make you happy even if they’re stupid or different than other people. Get past your daddy issues enough to realize that you project them onto me. I am not the cunt hole that your dad is, and I deserve at least 7 shit loads of respect for being who I am. You wanna make this work? You wanna see if I’ll come through? Show me you’re willing to change. Be in the moment. If you and I are enjoying something, then who the fuck cares that we’re going through shit? Enjoy me, respect me, treat me like you treat your most loved possession, and for the love of all that is holy make up your mind. Should you stay or should you go? (look up the clash song) I can’t help you there. But realize that I am not the source of your problems (only some). If you leave I will be sad, lonely, and miserable until it wears off. If you leave I will do everything I can to protect you from your own sadness, loneliness, and misery. I’ll take the blame, I’ll defend your reputation. I would owe you that. I’ll be here when you decide.<<<<
That’s where we left it. She is too busy right now to talk about this, but I know the whole thing is crashing around in her head, just like mine.
My wife is not some Boogieman that wrecks my life at every turn. She is actually a very intuitive woman, full of wisdom beyond her years. She always lights up a room, always draws a crowd, and never seems to be capable of any evil. Red cares about people in a way that I’ve never seen. Her love for anyone and her inherent trust brings people together. Her outlook on life may be “surface level,” but after the experts of neuroscience and philosophy form their opinions we come full circle to the kind of woman Red Riding Hood is. I have no doubt that she could become anything, do anything, and create anything. She has the drive, buried far below her surface, to do magnificent things in this world. She has always been the handful of colored balloons, ready to drift off into the atmosphere. I have always been the “level headed, forward thinker” who ties those balloons to his wrist in hopes that one day he can fly with them.