There is a part of me that wonders about my own motivations; I have learned to question everyone else’s, but why are mine closed off to my own scrutiny? Why am I motivated NOT to commit to my relationship right now? What is causing me to give up, not talking, not being romantic, not giving any effort towards fixing things with Red Riding Hood?
I hate our relationship and the damage it has caused to us, and to our friends. I feel like I have failed in many areas of life, putting my marriage first. Some of my dearest friends haven’t heard from me in a while because my energy and time was being spent on chasing my wife. Now, I would say that every relationship should involve lots of chasing each other, but right now I can only see 100 better ways to spend my time.
For years my wife has encouraged me and been there for me like a best friend. She has gone above and beyond for me, damaging her own relationships and life for the sale of our marriage. Yet after years of giving, it appears that I have given more than enough. She knows who I am, who I want to be, and how I treat her. As a result, I feel no need to bend over backwards one more time.
If I were to devote every waking moment to fighting hard for Red, this would do two things: prove that I am willing to forsake everything else in my life to earn a life with her, and show her that I am capable of romance and charm. Haven’t I already proved what I would give up for our marriage? Doesn’t she already know that I can do tricks (eg: surprise dinners, fun getaways, honey-do lists, subtle gifts, etc)?
If she wants to leave, nothing I do right now can change her mind. If she wants to stay, then she should be prepared for a long climb towards a better relationship built on better ourselves. Red was the one to get emotionally involved with another guy. Red came forward and asked for a divorce. Red has heard my commitment, and has answered with “I’m 60/40 leaning towards leaving you.” So what do I do? My motivations for existing in this state of limbo aren’t wrong, and my heart only wants to wait on Red to find the strength to decide. Is she going to end this, or is she going to pick up the pieces and find love for me again?
As a reader, you might be thinking “This guy doesn’t want to see his marriage saved!” I do, I desperately do. Without Red Riding Hood firing on all cylinders, what’s the point? She has attacked, I have parried and riposted, and now it is her turn to move.